


Ode to Oblivion

by Lunarium



Series: SSSS: Saga of the Mages (aka Mageverse) [20]
Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Violence, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 04:36:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9106849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarium/pseuds/Lunarium
Summary: That was the thing about Reynir. Always forgiving. If only he himself could learn from that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for H/C Bingo's prompt "forgiveness" as well as SSSS 100 Prompt Challenge: 53. Keeping a Secret. Story is set in the Year 105. 
> 
> Do please read the warning labels. I hope the first section isn't too graphic (it kind of pushes the T rating, but I'm going by AO3's definition here), but do take the warnings very seriously. This was pretty cathartic story for me to write, but I don't know if it may be cathartic or triggering for the reader, as each person is different. So take that into consideration. <3 I do love my happy endings as well (hurt/comfort need a balance), so you will get that reward in the end. I do have a humor story to make up for it in a bit too, for the same pairing and 'verse. :)

“Lalli? Lalli!” 

The pounding on the floor quickened along with the hitch in Reynir’s voice as he sped towards the bathroom. Throwing the door wide open and seeing his fears confirmed, the scream ripped out of him unhindered—Reynir scooped Lalli’s lifeless form up in his arms, shaking him. 

“Lalli! Oh gods—Lalli, no! No, not like this! We’ve—”

Taking a deep breath, his eyes scanned the room, noting the long vertical gashes on Lalli’s arms, the pool of red beneath him, the white foam seeping from the corner of Lalli’s mouth. A small kitchen knife slipped from Lalli’s fingers and clattered by Reynir’s feet. An empty medicine bottle lay on the floor, having rolled under the sink a few feet away. 

Damn it, Lalli. 

“Not like this. You’re better than this.” 

The bloody wound was easy enough to heal. He had time, Reynir told himself. Lalli was still breathing, faint though it was; he was not too late. 

The healing runes poured out of his lips. Despite his heart beating fast and heavy in his throat, Reynir concentrated all his might and magic in sealing the gashes till Lalli’s skin was white and smooth with no fear of infection. Reynir had perfected this healing trick just for these unfortunate moments. Running his fingers over his arms, he could feel the blood pulsating within the vessels. Just enough. Lalli wouldn’t need to be transported to the hospital right away for a blood transfusion. In any event, they may still give him some blood just to be on the safe side, but for now, Lalli was fine. 

But Reynir was acutely more concerned about the overdose inside Lalli. He envisioned the bolus of poison and where it might be concentrated in that moment, then cast the next series of runes, tracing with his long fingers the marks over Lalli’s stomach, throat, mouth…watching patiently-impatiently until the other mage suddenly seized back into life and vomited back out the half-dissolved tablets. 

“Oh, Odin, thank you!” Reynir whispered in relief as the last of the poison dribbled out of Lalli. Now conscious, Lalli shivered in the sudden coldness of the bathroom; quickly recovering, he resisted against in Reynir’s hold, pounding his chest with weak fists, pushing against his healing spells. “No-no!” 

“You want to live,” Reynir said gently, choosing to speak in Finnish as he knew it would comfort Lalli. “We both know you want to live.”

“No, stop it!” The volume of his voice only grew louder. “NO! _NO! NO!_ ”

“Aina can hear you…” 

Those words had instantaneous effect. Drawing still in Reynir’s arms, Lalli’s eyelids drew back slowly, blinking till his eyes adjusted to the light. He took in his surroundings as if he had just woken from a terrible dream. He spotted the knife, then the empty bottle, and frowned. 

“I…didn’t mean to…” he began slowly. The guilt dripped from each word, and Reynir felt the thin frame recoiling from his touch as if revolted with himself. It was all the more reason to hold Lalli closer. “Memories of that day came back to me this afternoon. I tried to shut them out, but they lingered. Every little thing reminded me of what he had done to me. When the time passed three, I…could not take it. I felt I was reliving every moment. It was too quiet at home—I completely forgot about Aina!—I could only remember the pain…” 

“You’re safe. That’s all that matters.” Reynir picked up the kitchen knife. After a brief moment’s hesitation, he tossed it in the trash bin. It had hurt Lalli, so he didn’t want it in the house any longer. “It happens, Lalli. A shadow passed over you. I’m sorry we weren’t around to cast a light over it.”

“I should have fought it myself.”

“It happens,” Reynir assured him again. “You’re okay now, and that’s all that matters.” 

Reynir grabbed the bottle next: a plain, innocent medicine bottle anyone could buy in any pharmacy over the counter to be taken for mild aches and fevers. He would have to start buying much smaller-sized bottles, or even travel packs, from now on. Overdose did not result in quick death, but it could lead to liver damage if not promptly treated. Reynir himself sometimes needed the medication after a hard day’s work on the farm, but if it meant endangering Lalli’s life, he was willing to change his own ways. The less of this stuff around the better. 

They had already gone through this before. After Lalli calmed down they would have to take him to be seen by professional medics, just to be certain the medicine had not done any damage to his liver. Reynir could only hope he had arrived early enough before any of the medication had reached the liver’s portal vein; having been educated after each incident on the low hepatic clearance of the drug despite it undergoing the first-pass effect, Reynir could almost count himself an expert on the drug’s pharmacology. At this point they would almost need to store acetylcysteine in the house, as Reynir would know what to do in instances of overdose. Just in case. 

He tossed the bottle in the trash to join the knife and got to his feet, lifting Lalli up in his arms.

*

Lalli made to protest, but weak as he was he soon gave up and allowed Reynir to carry him back to their bedroom. He was tucked into bed, made to sit atop a small hill of pillows to prop him up. Reynir fetched him a glass of water, returning back so quickly that it almost pained Lalli, as though Reynir did not trust Lalli to be alone for a second by himself. As if to make the point further, he dragged out a chair right beside their bed, sitting himself there and watching Lalli.

 _Well, do you really blame him? This is Attempt Number…what, by now?_

“Where is Aina?” Lalli asked hoarsely before taking a sip. 

“Outside with the sheep,” Reynir said. “I was with her before I sensed you were in danger and came running in. But she’s safe with the sheep. She’s nearby, and Vaka will watch over her.”

“Is it really safe out there, even with that dog around?” 

Reynir smiled sadly. “We’re miles away from the nearest restaurant or hotel, Lalli. That’s why Árni loved this place.” 

“You know what I mean.” 

The words struck Reynir like a bucket of frigid cold water suddenly being dumped over him. He flinched, grimacing, his face full of the guilt before the old anger came boiling back towards the surface. 

“He’s gone,” Reynir reminded Lalli after a long silence. “Valttu is gone. I—we—finished him off. You witnessed him die. We burned him to ashes so he can never return. Katla, Onni, the others…we all did everything in our magic to ensure his spirit never touches this world again. And we found a way to break that connection between you two.” He motioned towards Lalli’s arms, where once they had shone with Valttu’s scars they were now smooth and unblemished. They had done a lot, Lalli was not denying that. And yet…

“There are other means of getting to me,” Lalli said flatly. “He’s in my head. He’s never left since that damn dream. A day like today he finds me vulnerable and comes sweeping back in. A serpent coming to reclaiming his prey. I cannot stop him. I…” 

“He’s only a memory now, Lalli—”

“Memories can poison!” 

Another round of silence followed before Reynir finally cast his gaze to the floor. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Do you know any magic that could make me forget him? I do not know any runo that will…” 

Reynir opened his mouth, closed it, and shook his head. “No, I’m sorry…” 

Lalli fell back, letting himself sink into the layers of pillows. 

“It has been four years. I cannot forget them. My therapist has said part of moving on is to forgive and to forget. But…how does one forgive a monster?” 

“I cannot forgive him,” Reynir laughed lightly. “But I have moved on. Seeing the light leave his eyes was…it was satisfying, as morbid as it sounds. Empowering. After everything he had done, it felt good to finally be the one to put him down. I should have felt unclean doing that, but I knew I was ridding the world of someone who had hurt so many, including you.” 

“ _You_ can move on,” Lalli pointed out. “You were the hero. _I_ can’t move on. I can’t forgive him, and I can’t forgive myself even more.” 

Frowning, Reynir edged his seat closer. “Why do you say that?” 

“I’ve been keeping a secret.” 

Lalli sucked in a deep breath to stop the tears from coming, but it was futile. He pressed one side of his face against the pillow to stifle the light out. 

“I loved him. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I accepted going with him. Would we have been powerful together? I would have become a kade like him, but I could have been with him. But he hated my family and me by extension. He wanted me dead. And yet…I loved him. I keep thinking, from time to time, if I could have had the power to change him. Would it have been different? Could I have been able to make him less violent? Would he have spared my life? Or would I still have been dragged far away from the tank that night and suffered that long torture and left to die? And none of your would have ever found me. He could have killed you all, just for the hell of it. And I still would have wished he were mine.” 

He took in a shuddering breath. “I don’t want to admit it, but I think, before he hurt me, I could have loved him more than I love you.” 

This silence which followed was the longest and thickest, with only the sound of Lalli’s pounding heart muffling out the sounds of his and Reynir’s child outside. Reynir sat, processing the information silently, occasionally nodding, but otherwise sat with an unreadable expression. Self-hatred boiled inside Lalli as acidic as each time the vile kade had violated his body. To confess to such a heinous lust in front of one who was never hurtful. 

Valttu took without asking. He made it hurt as much as possible. In his nightmares Valttu would return, like a serpent ready to sink his fangs into his flesh, and like a fool Lalli would allow him back in, addicted to the agony. This is why this keeps happening. Why he keeps bringing grief to Reynir, Reynir with whom lovemaking was always gentle, intimate and not invasive, sending Lalli high to touch the heavens with the tips of his spirit. Whenever Reynir made Lalli cry out, it was out of passion, satisfaction, never in pain or coldness, feeling he was torn apart and made distant. Reynir’s body and breath and touch was always warm, in his arms Lalli felt cocooned, and his laughter never sent down Lalli’s spine shivers of dread. And yet— 

“Are you upset?” _I am such an idiot._

Reynir shook his head and smiled. “It’s nothing I wouldn’t have guessed, Lalli. I still remember how you ran out of the tank that night. I had never seen you so eager to do your scouting duties. He really made an impression on you. 

“We love many people in our lives. I’m sorry he was someone who you liked who hurt you. It’s usually those who we love who end up hurting us the most.” He shot Lalli a teasing look. “I should know, from all the times you’ve scratched me like the cats back at home.” 

“You’re such a bastard,” Lalli sighed. That was the thing about Reynir. Always forgiving. If only he himself could learn from that. “Just once, could you get angry at me for being an unreasonable twit?” 

He was midway through a chuckle before the tears returned. He quickly set the glass of water aside and buried his face in the pillow, stifling out more of the light as grief took hold of him. 

“Hey, it’s okay…” 

The pressure and warmth of Reynir’s body over his was the final straw. The tears flowed out freely, but Reynir was embracing him. He did not speak, his presence alone was all the comfort Lalli needed, pressing down on him with just the right amount of weight, blocking out all other sensory: light, sound from outside the room, the sense of the world beyond this bed. He just needed to draw into this womb in this moment. 

“I can’t just forget him,” Lalli finally managed. “I can’t forgive myself.” 

“It will take time,” Reynir said. “It’s only been four years.” 

_I should have healed by now_ , a voice said in the back of Lalli’s head. He immediately tried pushing it away, but Valttu’s taunts remained. “I am still weak.” 

“It’s not weakness to fight against something,” Reynir said. “I’m sorry you’re still in that battlefield. It’s not easy for the rest of us to know what it’s like. We hadn’t fought Valttu the same way you did, but we are all on your side, and we are always here for you.” 

Lalli sighed. Reynir was right. Take it one day at a time, one breath at a time. His shadow may still linger, but Lalli had a whole community of support around him. _I can start by not letting the snake in, no matter how tempting he is…_

“Please bring Aina back here,” Lalli said. “I know it’s safe, but I don’t want her out there without one of us with her.” 

Reynir smiled. “All right, then. Would you…like to come outside?” 

“I’ll be fine here…really, I will. I already took all the paracetamol in the house.”

Reynir winced. “Well…okay then! Bright side is you don’t have any more to take!”

Lalli smiled weakly. “I’m not going to try again, Reynir. I’m staying with you and Aina. And the damn sheep and the dog. I’m not giving that asshole the satisfaction of destroying me. Never. Even if I’m having a shitty day, I will keep breathing through it just to spite him in his cold, lonely grave. I’m not quitting yet.” 

Reynir grinned. “That’s my Lalli!” 

After assuring Reynir that he would be truly fine, Reynir left. Lalli made for the window, pulling aside the curtains and gazing out into the afternoon sun. Gentle breeze drifted in with the crisp smell of spring, and somewhere below came a bark from the dog and the laughter of Aina—all the things Lalli would have missed out on had he succeeded. 

Was this afternoon a failure, or a victory in surviving? 

He shook that sound, suspiciously like the hissing of a serpent, from his thoughts. To distract himself he watched his husband chase around their daughter for a bit, the two laughing cheerfully among the herd of confused sheep. Their laughter, which carried the tune of an ode to oblivion, for no darkness which plagued Lalli’s thoughts plagued them. Their voices, by the time they reached Lalli, were faint like wispy clouds, being from a distance away. But around Lalli it was quiet, too quiet. She was barely old enough to remember the time when he was placed in a coma, after an afternoon like this, so tranquil and calm, the danger threatening to break through the surface. 

A day just like today. So perfect. So calm. 

Just as the panic was beginning to arise once more, Lalli was engulfed in warm embrace by two pairs of arms. Somewhere from the doorway, the sheepdog Vaka barked, proud that she had brought her two humans safely back inside. Lalli buried his head gratefully into Reynir’s chest, taking in his scent, listening to his beating heart, and protectively wrapped his arms around Aina. She was six years old now, a fast little runner, and so free from Valttu’s claws. She would not have to carry the burdens of her great grandmothers, her grandparents and her parents, and for that, Lalli was ever grateful. 

It was going to be hard to keep on living, but he had already made up his mind: he was never quitting. He meant every word to Reynir: even if he was going to have a bad day, and Lalli’s life was full of it, he was going to live it just to spite the kade. 

Wipe that serpentine smirk off Valttu’s face just as Reynir had done four years ago with that final fatal spell. 

Lalli grinned into Reynir’s chest and held his daughter closer.

**Author's Note:**

> I initially wanted a scene where Lalli visits Valttu's grave and smears his boots over the gravestone (inspired by Nancy Sinatra's song "These Boots Are Made For Walkin' ", but that might wait for another time since Lalli didn't seem to want to leave his home. 
> 
> I do plan to go back and write the event the characters are referring to.


End file.
